20 links you'll (probably) never hear from a commercial radio presenter...

1. "Why DO these people insist on recording their own adverts? No, really, WHY?"

2. "Sorry to keep inflicting this one on you but I HAVE to". (Variations could include: "Oh no, not bloody Leona AGAIN?" or "And now let's hear 'Chasing Cars' by Snow Patrol, surely the most hideously overplayed 'oldie' of the past decade. Or ever").

3. It's 6am so let's hand over to our new Breakfast 'Personality' whose salary will do so much to keep my wages low and your advertising costs high. He/she has never done radio before - see if you can tell..."

4. "And coming up in the next hour, we've got a damp squib 'wind-up' that only really succeeded in upsetting and alienating one of our few remaining listeners".

5. "Amazing headline story in all today's papers about a Radio 1 presenter..."

6. "According to a new survey about banks - oh sorry, can't do that one, we run commercials for a bank. A study has found that few of us trust salesmen - no, can't do that one either because of the double glazing ad..."

7. "Don't forget our celebrity - yeah, right - interview".

8. "On This Day in 1995 (DEAD AIR) Sorry, I was just thinking how much better this job was back then".

9. "This morning's Top Ten at Ten comes from a year we haven't featured for nearly a fortnight".

10. "Here's a very interesting piece of trivia a therapist passed on to me recently when I was in the Priory...yet again".

11. "And today we're coming to you live from a shopping mall where I'm being stared at gormlessly by some teenage mothers with Croydon facelifts under their white baseball caps and a large group of schoolkids so 'HELLO CHAVS AND TRUANTS!'"

12. "Look, I can't possibly fit what I want to say into 17 seconds so just ignore the song you can hear under my voice and keep on listening to me, OK?"

13. "So here's the bit where I try to convince you all that I follow sport".

14. "From Penzance to Canterbury, this is your 'local' station for the South".

15. "I'd better just quickly name-check myself as so many of you keep saying I sound just like a couple of our other presenters'.

16. "There's now a webcam on our site but just ignore it because it invades my privacy. Unless you can tell me what any of these buttons in front of me are supposed to do". (Could also apply to some BBC presenters).

17. "Don't forget to drop me a line if you're getting married this weekend - and you still haven't booked a DJ for the reception".

18. "It's 3.30 am and you know what that means: time for another ProPlus".

19. "And if you've got any thoughts on this, don't bother texting or emailing because I'm not here. In fact, no-one is because this show was pre-recorded a week ago. At this moment I'm listening to my own voice while stacking shelves in Tesco's to earn a living".

20. "I know what you're thinking: did he play six in a row or only five? To tell you the truth, in all this monotony I kind of lost track of the tracks myself. But being as this is a 44-song playlist, the most bland and repetitive in all the world and any variation would blow our Group PD's head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: do I feel the need for an MP3 player instead? Well, do ya prefer punk?"

(Republished from the Radio Magazine Issue 899, 8 July 2009)